Dream last night

Hola chicas/chicos,

Haven't been around the blog for a while, I witnessed some pretty intense shark attacks, and didn't feel ready to write about it. 

Last night, I had a dream that I moved to Alberta somewhere. I'm pretty sure the situation was that I had somehow decided I wanted to go to the University of Alberta, so I moved there and got a big apartment. I lived there alone. My mum came with me at first, then Rach and her mom were there and they went to the grocery store, and for some reason I was alone and really sad because I couldn't go back to Toronto. When I woke up, it was so nice to be here! Looks like I should be happy with where I am and what I'm doing. Sometimes I write off dreams as craziness in my head but sometimes I think they might mean something. Maybe they are just things I have been thinking about, or reflections of advice I've been given. I have been told to be happy with my lot, to try to stay in one place for a bit; to build a community rather than floating from empty space to empty space. I can't tell whether it's boredom or curiosity; loneliness or a craving for adventure- but I have a tendency to get an idea in my head that I can do anything, go anywhere. But then I reason. Like today, I had a momentary interest in law school- and I tell you from the bottom of my heart I believed I could work towards it and go someday and it would be so interesting and great and wow. But again, I thought about it a second time. I looked at admission requirements. I want so badly to know that I could do something like that, to really believe that I could muster up the motivation. But there's something there that just says "Liz... really? C'mon." And I don't know why I can't get rid of that. I try, I do. It's not that I particularly want to go to Law school, but for it to be a possibility; for me and others to genuinely believe that it's a possibility... I want that. 

My best friend Lyss has her path all set out in front of her- all the way to her PhD, and she's only in FIRST YEAR university! I admire her so greatly for that but I couldn't do it. In a way I wish I could but I'm scared I would worry about the future before it even began. That's why I cant just decide. Why I can't pick a path and follow it. Something's not letting me. I can't seem to point and shoot.

Seems like the trend is to plan things out far in advance. Like, I'll think about something I maybe want to do and my first reaction is to dismiss it (too expensive, ridiculous idea, does my fam. think I'm crazy for considering it? Am I expecting too much from people? Am I over/under-estimating my ablilties or my strength?). Unless incessantly discussed, these sorts of grand ideas (Law school, exchanges, fly like Peter Pan...) seem rash and sudden. Uninformed. Impractical. Maybe so- but is that a reason not to pursue them? 

Some things aren't so sudden. They may not look big from the outside, but I have good things and good people that I don't always appreciate. Let's start with the material, shall we? Well i am living in the sky in a wonderful, clean, safe apartment equipped with my own bedroom, 3 piece washroom, washer/dryer, digital cable, wireless and dishwasher. That's more than any student could really ask for right there. On the less shallow side, I have a family, which, though loving, has historically been a little (or a lot) dysfunctional. However, among other things like support, gratitude and temporary distance there are restauranteurs of the year to remedy that. I have a selfless and supportive mother who has, in late become nauseatingly dreamy-eyed (in a good way... :P). I have a beautiful, adorable, accomplished, sometimes stubborn little sister who has about a thousand paths she could point at and shoot. She can do anything. I have a best friend with whom I can exchange anything from worries and hardships to stupid ramblings about how my hair is doing funny things or how I can't stand not having milk in the fridge. I am still doing the Stephen Lewis thing, which may or may not lead somewhere in the distant future. These are good things that aren't going to leave me anytime soon, and though I don't realize it often, I am so happy to have them. 

i reeeeeally want to go to sleep at this point. 

Untitled

I am sitting in bed at the moment, 12:22, my presentation isn't finished, and I am watching a docu. about effing SHARK ATTACKS! 

There is no doubt something wrong with this picture...

E-Mail

I got this E-Mail from Nick Smart on Tuesday. 

Hey can I write a blog entry on your blog?

 

Top 10 T.V. shows I miss

10. South Park

9. Colbert Report

8. Daily Show

7. Family Guy

6. Temptation

5. Seinfeld

3. Lost

2. Flight of the Conchords

1. Sportscentre

You see, the boy doesn't have T.V. or internet (for which I commend him... I don't know if I could do it!), so he misses out on so many of the bare necessities of life, you know

? I'm surprised you didn't include Top Gear and my new favorite sexy F1 Driver, Lewis Hamilton. 

Difficulties

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Hey peoples (slash person- Lyss I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads my blog!)

As you may know, for the last little while, I've tried some version of what I would call positive living. Eating right, exercising every day, napping, being as productive and, well, positive as possible. I have enjoyed this new positive in my life, and it seems to me that I've been significantly happier because of conscious choices I am making. 

(+)(-)

Sometimes, though (today, mostly), when something throws me off, like the weather is crappy, or I don't have time for the gym, or someone just won't stop complaining about how much they hates Canada when they will be jetting off to Florida in 2 weeks- this whole positive thing gets a little bit harder. It's a lot of effort, and because making yourself be happy is all self-motivation, it doesn't take much to fall off the track. It's easy to get sucked into a vortex of complaints and whines and moans. The crucial part is that you have to realize that it happens, and do something about it. 

(-)(+)

At the Stephen Lewis Foundation (SLF) today, I did data entry- updating an address book on the computer. So if anyone reading this happens to be part of a Granny Group from Alberta or BC, be happy because I probably typed your name today! As fulfilling as it is to be volunteering and helping out at SLF, today was not too riveting. I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for this, don't get me wrong, I know beggars can't be choosers. I think it wasn't even the mundane task of entering address after address so much as I can't handle being glued to one seat, hunched over a computer for hours on end. At least it keeps my ADD (ish-ness) in check. Focus and patience, grasshopper, and then... you will succeed. 

(-)

Today in an Anthropology tutorial we were talking about sex and gender roles. Now, I'm not one to carry on about "what I learned in school" outside of class to show people how smart I am or am not, but today, something bugged me. We were discussing how females are raised to play the roles of females, and then, how they are perceived when they break out of that "feminine" role in some way. For example, it could be leaving her home in Sri Lanka to pursue an education in North America, or insisting on finding their own husband, of their choosing, and when it is and whether or not they get married. So basically, we were discussing the social consequences of behavior which falls outside of one's socio-cultural 'box'. For many Canadians, descendants of mutt-mixed European blood, the walls of this box are either astonishingly fluid or just don't exist at all, so we are largely surprised to hear of women who must marry a certain man at a certain age or carry a certain name- or else they are not regarded as a real person. In many places, you are not considered a strong member of society if you lack a spouse and in-laws. Not to mention that if you step outside your box then it may not be you who is blamed, but your family for raising you a rogue. Anyway... the thing that tugged my chain was a girl in my tutorial who suggested that if people realize that these constraints are acting as barriers to the action a woman wants to take in her life, then she should just do something about it- break out of the role. Now- wouldn't you think that were it that easy, we wouldn't have to have discussions about such a topic in the first place? Clearly, if there are soci-cultural factors impeding her free will, a woman may think about trying to rid herself of them, sure. But when that means alienating herself from her entire family, or getting disowned, then it is understandable that she may not be in any type of position to take that risk. 

(-)

The Anthro Class that confirmed my suspicions: 

Quote of the day: "So, the biggest question in anthropology, and one that still plagues the discipline today is, WHY DO ANTHROPOLOGISTS DO WHAT THEY DO? WHAT IS THE GRAND PURPOSE OF THE DISCIPLINE?" 

This, my friends, is what I ask myself every Wednesday. 

Peace out, home slices. 

Goodbye ain't so easy after all...

If you have been reading my babblings thus far, you know that I vowed to Say Goodbye to Procrastination. Let's check up on that shall we? 

Tuesday, Jan 27, 2009.

10:00 am-10:45am: Went to the gym.

Good start, Liz. Looking good. 

10:45-12:30: E-mails to Nick at work, shower, breakfast, get dressed for class at 1.

1:15: Get to class late. My only class of the day, might I add. 

2:15: Get a cinnamon melt from McDonalds, go home, eat it, watch tv while I remember how delicious the cinnamon melt was, simultaneously wishing that I hadn't ate it. My stomach is a hurtin'. 

 3:00pm-5:30pm: Naptime. Good, but not the right kind of good (should have been working on my PACS presentation instead of drifting to sleep wondering why either Nick is sick of my dumb e-mails or Empire Life hired spies to intercept 50% of the shit I send him)...

5:30pm: Dinner. mmm. Download some Ray LaMontagne on Mom's recommendation. He's great, such a soulful, but also a mellow voice. Especially check out his cover of "To Love Somebody", ft. Damien Rice. 

6:00pm-idontevenknow, am? pm?: some more tv, a little typing out of a presentation due friday, some crakcers and cheese (see list of little h's), talk to Nick on the phone, watch the ikki twins cry and get fondled by Trevor, Scotty and Rebecca. Type a little more, watch Stewart and Colbert, and now, at 12:15 I am writing a blog about my nothingness day! 

Oh well! Tomorrow is another day, which has the potential to be more productive. It's my third day volunteering at the Stephen Lewis Foundation, still in training but it is fun so far, I'm meeting a lot of really nice, interesting people from all walks of life.

Going Far Far Away...

So lately, I have been looking into going on exchange next year. Possibly for second semester (Winter 2010). I have checked out schools all over the place and narrowed my choices down to France or Sweden. (U of T ISXO)

In France, the Sciences Po, which has a central campus in Paris as well as 5 regional campuses in Nancy, Le Havre, Menton, Poitiers, and Dijon. The one that interested me the most was the Middle Eastern studies regional campus in Menton. The location is beautiful, on the Italian border near Monaco, but I looked at the courses and this past semester, for international students they only offer 2 courses in english. This gives me limited options and would mean I would have to take 3 courses en Français! :S Not sure if I can handle that. I am prepared to take a french language course and one additional course in French, but 3... not sure. There are other courses that appeal to me at the other regional campuses, but in terms of actual geography, I would have to look more into whether Nancy, Le Havre, Poitiers or Dijon would be ideal places to live for a few months. 

The Sciences Po, has about a million courses in Paris (French and English) that I would love to take. The only problem is housing. It would be hard to find somewhere to live, let alone somewhere with a reasonable monthly price tag. Also only going for one semester may be problematic in terms of landing a spot in student housing or residence. Click here to see ALL the Sciences Po courses offered to exchange students- all campuses.

In Sweden, there are 3 universities who have a partnership with U of T. Gothenburg, Lund, and Uppsala. They all look great. Each of them has lots and lots of courses in the realm of Peace and Conflict Studies. They look amazing. The only missed opportunity would be the French Immersion I would get in France. But hey, learning Swedish can't be all bad! I wouldn't consider it a missed opportunity as much as I would love to improve my French. 

I think I need to weigh the importance of:

a) Location (knowing as much as possible about living in these places without having actually ever been there)

b) Courses- it is an academic exchange after all :p

c) The people- it would be nice to be able to walk out of this with some friends.

d) Language- do I want to learn something new, or increase the breadth of knowledge I already have of French so that I can be somewhat competent with it? 

Another interesting option that I just peeked at is the school of International Service at American University, Washington, DC. I mean, I wouldn't spend my exchange program at an American University, as it clearly wouldn't offer much cultural enrichment, but it would be relatively inexpensive. I think the prospect of paying Canadian Tuition to go to a ridiculously expensive school would be a steal! And, maybe I could buy some binoculars for sightings of Barack Obama, the world's new BFF. 

Obsession

I wonder sometimes why people are so obsessed with love. Attached to it. We make and watch movies about it, we read, write, sing and make art about it, we get tattoos because of it (ahem... we all know who does that).  Mostly its romantic love, between two (or more) people, though it's certainly not the only sort of love. Why does it feel so good? When there is someone who just understands how you see the world, its refreshing, and you want to be around that person all the time. Being so close to another person, its like you share a secret with each other that no one else knows...

Title

The reason this blog is called "I used to... I want to... I wish that..." is because those are words I never want to say again, unless I am going to do something about what I used to, want, or wish to do. It's not worth the energy it takes to contemplate things that are absent from your life. 

Learning to Love You More

LearningToLoveYouMore is a site i stumbled across when googling pictures Euro-Mullets (Beckham style). It was on someone else's blog, who, I learned, would like a Euro-Mullet like the hot chick who models for Urban Outfitters. Anyway, the site is a pretty cool forum of art, music, poetry, and writing with a sort of inspirational, therapeutic purpose. They post assignments and welcome submissions from anyone who wants to accept the task. One that I found really interesting is the assignment "Say Goodbye". Readers are encouraged to "say goodbye to all the things you need to let go of: bad habits, dead people, alive people, ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, self-destructive feelings and behaviors, jobs, projects, re-occuring thoughts, etc." There are lots of different responses to this assignment, which range from saying goodbye to all sorts of self-loathing to letting go of dead dogs and internet porn. 

In light of this, here's mine! 

Goodbye to procrastination.

Goodbye to hating work. School and otherwise.

Goodbye to moping for no apparent reason.

Goodbye to not being open to new people.

Goodbye to being bored.

Goodbye to cloudy days.

Goodbye to lethargy.

Goodbye to looking back.

Goodbye to Shadowplay.

Goodbye to being sad about not riding. I'll do it again some day.

Goodbye to being a doormat.

GOodbye to criticizing family. What happened is no one's fault. 

Goodbye to irresponsibility. 

Goodbye to cookies at midnight.

Goodbye to Facebook (for now...)

Goodbye to useless feelings of guilt.

Goodbye to wanting more.

Goodbye to clichés.

Goodbye to under-valued intelligence. 

Goodbye to hypocrisy. 

Goodbye to not saying i love you to those close to me. 

I used to... I want to... I wish that...

So, 

It's my first time ever writing a blog. I guess it's kind of like a diary, just totally public- it can be read by random strangers who may happen to stumble upon it. Or a way to let other people in on all the cool stuff you see, read, watch, listen to, touch, hear, love, think, want, do, taste, create, reject, criticize and contemplate? Or maybe then, it's more like a way to be heard, or to feel as though you're being heard. By someone. 

So far, I personally believe its a time to think. To round up all the lose thoughts that pop into your head day by day without a context. The thoughts that deserve a chance but that are pushed aside so you can deal with the daily grind. Sitting here, looking at the pulsing cursor, I am forced to think. It pleads to hear my wandering thoughts.